Ahem...So it's been a little while. Somewhere near the two year mark, the business of everyday life got the better of me and my dedication to blogging about our little family and Kayla's ever changing life just sort of fell by the wayside...
But it was pointed out to me the other day that it would be a huge disservice were I not to rekindle my blogging if/when Duckling Number Two was on the way and so...
Dear Chris Jr. (as your Dad has insisted on nicknaming you),
This one is for you.
In two days, I will officially be a full 17 weeks pregnant and you, my little one, will be rapidly growing from your current "turnip" size into something far more substantial. It has been an interesting ride so far. When I was pregnant with your sister, my situation was a little different. Your daddy and I were living in New Jersey and though I was working, it was an exceedingly relaxed job where my office was our guest room. I had no children at the time, so my hours were my own, and aside from working at my day job, I had hours to spare for working out, taking long walks, enjoying relaxing mornings reading and, well, doing all the things that people without children take for granted. This time around, the experience is a little different. More than four years later, we are now back in Virginia and I am back to going into an office every day. Not only do I go into an office every day, but I go into a job that has me either in meetings or desperately trying to knock out any number of the million and one things on my ever growing plate for a solid 9-10 hours a day. In addition to that, I have your sister (your amazing, beautiful, hilarious and whip smart sister) occupying me from the minute I wake up until the minute that she (and oftentimes I) both fall into a deadened sleep at night. And so, this pregnancy has been a little different.
I won't lie to you...we have spent a little less time reading the pregnancy books and wondering about your daily changes. I have been a little more tired and a lot more cranky. I have allowed myself to drink some caffeine (though never more than half-caff!), something I would never have dreamed of doing in my first pregnancy. I have eaten some non-organic produce and I haven't taken a single belly photo. But...I don't want you to think that any of that is a reflection on how excited we are about you. We are thrilled. Ecstatic. We talk to your sister about you every day and she holds my belly in her hands while she tells you things like "Hello, Baby. I am your big sister and I love you." You are going to be the next piece to our happy little puzzle and we can't wait for you to get here.
And I am going to do my darnedest to find the time to do things like write to you, because you deserve it. And even though I am busy and tired and am wishing that a second pregnancy only lasted 6 or 7 months instead of 9, I promise that I am going to start doing things like taking belly pics and capturing special moments, because you deserve that. I am also going to make sure I stay hydrated, get enough DHA, get in a workout 5 days a week and do all that I can to ensure that you stay healthy and happy in there, because the one thing that is exactly the same between this pregnancy and the last is that I worry about you. A lot. I count the days between doctor's appointments, desperately awaiting the next time I get to hear your little heartbeat and to know that you're okay.
I also promise that we will buy you some of your own things and will not make you survive off of only hand-me-downs, particularly considering that you are mainly looking at pink tutus, my friend.
Anyhow, this is only the beginning, so I won't make it too long winded, but I wanted to say "hello", to tell you that I love you and to tell you that even though my focus may be a little more divided this time around, my love is not.
Stay safe in there, little one.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The Dance
Okay, I have a confession. It's the type of confession that Kayla will someday read and think "Oh my God...my mom is a lunatic," but I'm making the confession all the same. Three nights ago, Kayla went pee pee on the potty for the first time! She actually peed directly into the potty (and later adjacent to it, but that's another story) and as I applauded and verbally gushed about how absolutely incredible she was to have done this brave brave thing, I...well...I felt the tears come rushing up into my eyes. Now, I held them there. I did not, in fact, break down crying over the pee pee achievement, but did I well up? Oh heck yeah. My baby went on the potty!!! Like a Big Girl! I could not believe it. Somehow, amid learning a language and developing the ability to walk, this ability to urinate into a small pink and white plastic potty ranked right up there in tear-jerking capability.
Who knew.
Oh, and before you think I'M a lunatic, Kayla. You should know that your Daddy proceeded to hand you a book and tried to get a baby-looking-like-an-old-man-on-the-potty picture for posterity. Seriously...
Who knew.
Oh, and before you think I'M a lunatic, Kayla. You should know that your Daddy proceeded to hand you a book and tried to get a baby-looking-like-an-old-man-on-the-potty picture for posterity. Seriously...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Amazing
Dear Kayla,
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I could not be more impressed by you. Last weekend you turned 21 months old. 21 months. Where have all those months gone? I look back at pictures of you from months one, two, three and I can barely remember you from that time. That smushy little baby is gone and in her place is a walking, talking ball of fire and joy who runs through life with a smile on her face and a laugh on her lips. You are so...able now. You can walk, climb, run, jump..You are talking up a storm and not just individual words, but little sentences. You say "Mama, I go park" and "No, Mama. I no like it.". You tell me which books you want me to read to you at night. Your current favorites are "Puppy Dog" (Snuggle Puppy), "Apples" (Ten Apples Up On Top), and "Gumpy" (Mr. Gumpy's Outing). You're also reading to yourself now. You'll sit with one of your books and babble happily away, occasionally including a true word and always including comedic inflection. Comedic inflection...you insert that into everything you do. In fact, occasionally you include inflection and an eye roll when you are really trying to play up your new Big Girldom. It's hilarious, but makes Daddy and I a little nervous about who your teenage self might be.
With every day that you grow and change, I realize how much you make me want to grow and change. In my life, I have always wanted to be perfect. It is my best quality and my worst. It's what drives me, what makes me succeed...it's also what makes me prone to being overly stressed and prone to being dissatisfied. But in relation to you, it's what makes me truly want to be a better person. In relation to you, I want to be everything, all at once. I want to be the mommy who comforts you when you're sick. I want to be the mother who ensures that you eat right and get all the nutrients you need to grow up big and strong. I want to be the friend who you come to when you have questions about life and love. I want to be the woman you look up to for the way she manages to balance a career and home life. I want to be the hero you believe in and the human you love even though she's fallible. I love you more than you will ever understand or realize and it is a huge honor and a huge burden to feel as though everything I do is somehow impacting who you might become. You are my baby. You are my world. You are going to be amazing. How do I know? Because you already are.
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DSC_0157">Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Daddy's Shoes
Sometimes in the middle of a rough and tumble play session, Kayla will suddenly look up from her fit of giggles and simply stop and hug me. Those moments take my breath away because in those moments I see that she loves me in the same, incredible, overwhelming way that I love her. It is the best. feeling. ever.
Kayla will be 18 months old this coming Saturday. 18 MONTHS! I remember back when I would see Big Kids running through the park and I would say to their mothers "Oh my gosh, she/he is adorable. How old?" And the mom, without exception it seems, would answer "18 months." 18 months...and now my little baby is turning 18 months and I can't quite figure out how the time has gone by so quickly. It's funny, I've never had a good memory, but still...it's amazing how much has already faded from my mind in terms of what Kayla was doing three, six, 10 months ago. I try to remember what four months was like...I remember that was the month we took Kayla to the beach with my family. I remember that she had just started rolling over. I remember that I was getting toward the end of wanting to breast feed, but was also struggling emotionally to make the decision to stop. I remember that we couldn't really have Kayla in the sun at all, so when we went to the beach, she slept in a little tent and we waited to take her into the pool until the shadows had fallen across it in the afternoon. I remember that we were still struggling with her nighttime sleep habits, but I definitely can't remember if she was still up regularly in the middle of the night or what exactly those "habits" were. I know she was still getting up early, because I was not at all interested in staying up and playing beer pong with my cousins, knowing that I would hate myself for it when I was back on duty and exhausted at 0'dark hundred the next day. I remember that Kayla had lost all of her hair and was completely bald. I remember that she gave her first true belly laugh to her uncle John on the front porch of the house. Okay, that actually sounds like I remember a lot, but it's all from one one week period. I can't remember anything else about that month!
I have a lot of friends with brand new babies and so lately it seems like I'm constantly getting questions about "When do they..." and it's answering those questions that has made me realize how many details I've forgotten. I honestly could not tell you, without cheating, how old Kayla was when she first crawled. I want to say it was around seven months or so, but I can't pinpoint it in my mind. I also can't remember when she first was able to sit on her own...5 1/2 months? I don't remember when she officially got her first tooth and I can't tell you when we first let her try banana. And now I am starting to feel like a bad mom, but the reality is that there has been SO MUCH THAT HAS HAPPENED in this first 18 months, that it's really hard to keep it all organized in your head!! It's actually making me really thankful that I kept this blog and my little handwritten diary for Kayla. It's my cheat sheet for recalling all those facts and for reminding myself how far (and how fast!) Kayla has come.
These days, Kayla is in the midst of a word explosion. Not like a little bottle rocket explosion, but more like a volcano about to spout enough lava to form a new land mass explosion. It seems like every day Kayla says a new word. Her favorites right now are "Daddy", "Mama", "up", "shoes", "moon", "outside", "more", "dog", "hi" and "bye bye". She also says "cracker", "slide", "sign" (this last one because she is currently obsessed with her Baby Signing Time video and I guess she decided she better learn how to say the word if she wanted us to catch on when she was requesting a viewing session)...She says "sit" and occasionally breaks out with something new and completely random. Tonight, for instance, she was definitely asking for bath time. It may have sounded more like "flash fine", but in the context and with the help of hand gestures, she clearly got her point across. Almost more impressive, tonight, for the first time, she put two words together! She and I were sitting on the living room floor and she was attempting to put Chris' shoe onto her own foot when she looked up, looked me in the eyes, pointed down at the shoe and said "Daddy's shoe". !!!!! Daddy's shoe? My child is a genius!! Her ability to communicate is growing leaps and bounds. It's so funny to watch her now mimic not only word sounds, but intonation. Her inflection is spot on and hilarious, depending on what she is mimicking.
Kayla's also starting to throw out all kinds of sign language motions that I had no idea she was picking up. We did sign language light when she was younger. She never seemed that interested in it, so we tried to focus on the signs that would have been most helpful for her to know, like "more" and "all done". Lately though, she is suddenly using signs that I thought we had sort of let fall off the map. She now signs "banana" and "Mama", "dog" and "fish". She's funny about these later ones. With the exception of banana, most of the others she uses more when she's performing than when she's simply talking. It's clear that her getting a reaction when she uses the motions gets her all excited and so her gestures and her knowledge of the gestures gets exhibited a lot more when she knows that she has an audience. She even broke out the sign for "cracker" the other day...I about fell off my chair.
What else is Kayla up to...she is still a singing/dancing fool and is in love with anything and everything music. She sings "Twinkle Twinkle", "Row Row Row", "Happy Birthday", "ABCs" and she will often join in for parts of far more complicated songs. She is desperately in love with "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, as well as with "Part of Your World" and "Kiss The Girl" from the Little Mermaid. She is seriously lucky that while her mom may not remember when she first crawled, her mom does remember nearly every word to every Disney song ever made. Kayla is also a big fan of little song/rhymes like "Five Little Pumpkins", "Five Little Monkeys", "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Wheels on the Bus".
Kayla's also making crazy connections lately. For instance, the other night, she looked up at the sky, pointed to the big glowing orb above her head and said "Moon". So, I said "Yes, that's right, moon" and Kayla proceeded to launch into the "Moon Moon Moon" song that we used to sing in her baby yoga class. We saw a picture of a monkey in a book and when I told her it was a monkey, she started performing "Five Little Monkeys", hand gestures at all. And the cutest one yet...She has blocks downstairs; one of which has a koala on it. I pointed the koala out and named him, "Koala". Kayla put on finer to her lips and said "Shhh." Weird, I thought...so I pointed to the koala again - "Koala." "Shhhh," said Kayla. Same response. And then it clicked! Kayla has a book about Australian animals and on the last page is a sleeping koala and every time we get to that page, I say "Shhh. Koala is sleeping." CONNECTION! And it's so funny, because when you acknowledge the connection she made, she gets this big grin on her face like "I KNOW!! Am I incredible or what??" Seriously...how could you not worship this kid?
I have to say that with every passing day, I am more and more amazed at how much I love this little person. She makes me smile even on the worst days and her infectious smile, laugh and energy take all the stress out of you. Sure, she has her moments. We all do. And sure, sometimes after a long day of work, the last thing I want to do is change a diaper, go through a bedtime routine...but then we're lying there in that chair and she is cuddled up - face pressed into my neck, her legs wrapped around my waist and suddenly there is nowhere in the world I would rather be.
18 months...
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Kayla will be 18 months old this coming Saturday. 18 MONTHS! I remember back when I would see Big Kids running through the park and I would say to their mothers "Oh my gosh, she/he is adorable. How old?" And the mom, without exception it seems, would answer "18 months." 18 months...and now my little baby is turning 18 months and I can't quite figure out how the time has gone by so quickly. It's funny, I've never had a good memory, but still...it's amazing how much has already faded from my mind in terms of what Kayla was doing three, six, 10 months ago. I try to remember what four months was like...I remember that was the month we took Kayla to the beach with my family. I remember that she had just started rolling over. I remember that I was getting toward the end of wanting to breast feed, but was also struggling emotionally to make the decision to stop. I remember that we couldn't really have Kayla in the sun at all, so when we went to the beach, she slept in a little tent and we waited to take her into the pool until the shadows had fallen across it in the afternoon. I remember that we were still struggling with her nighttime sleep habits, but I definitely can't remember if she was still up regularly in the middle of the night or what exactly those "habits" were. I know she was still getting up early, because I was not at all interested in staying up and playing beer pong with my cousins, knowing that I would hate myself for it when I was back on duty and exhausted at 0'dark hundred the next day. I remember that Kayla had lost all of her hair and was completely bald. I remember that she gave her first true belly laugh to her uncle John on the front porch of the house. Okay, that actually sounds like I remember a lot, but it's all from one one week period. I can't remember anything else about that month!
I have a lot of friends with brand new babies and so lately it seems like I'm constantly getting questions about "When do they..." and it's answering those questions that has made me realize how many details I've forgotten. I honestly could not tell you, without cheating, how old Kayla was when she first crawled. I want to say it was around seven months or so, but I can't pinpoint it in my mind. I also can't remember when she first was able to sit on her own...5 1/2 months? I don't remember when she officially got her first tooth and I can't tell you when we first let her try banana. And now I am starting to feel like a bad mom, but the reality is that there has been SO MUCH THAT HAS HAPPENED in this first 18 months, that it's really hard to keep it all organized in your head!! It's actually making me really thankful that I kept this blog and my little handwritten diary for Kayla. It's my cheat sheet for recalling all those facts and for reminding myself how far (and how fast!) Kayla has come.
These days, Kayla is in the midst of a word explosion. Not like a little bottle rocket explosion, but more like a volcano about to spout enough lava to form a new land mass explosion. It seems like every day Kayla says a new word. Her favorites right now are "Daddy", "Mama", "up", "shoes", "moon", "outside", "more", "dog", "hi" and "bye bye". She also says "cracker", "slide", "sign" (this last one because she is currently obsessed with her Baby Signing Time video and I guess she decided she better learn how to say the word if she wanted us to catch on when she was requesting a viewing session)...She says "sit" and occasionally breaks out with something new and completely random. Tonight, for instance, she was definitely asking for bath time. It may have sounded more like "flash fine", but in the context and with the help of hand gestures, she clearly got her point across. Almost more impressive, tonight, for the first time, she put two words together! She and I were sitting on the living room floor and she was attempting to put Chris' shoe onto her own foot when she looked up, looked me in the eyes, pointed down at the shoe and said "Daddy's shoe". !!!!! Daddy's shoe? My child is a genius!! Her ability to communicate is growing leaps and bounds. It's so funny to watch her now mimic not only word sounds, but intonation. Her inflection is spot on and hilarious, depending on what she is mimicking.
Kayla's also starting to throw out all kinds of sign language motions that I had no idea she was picking up. We did sign language light when she was younger. She never seemed that interested in it, so we tried to focus on the signs that would have been most helpful for her to know, like "more" and "all done". Lately though, she is suddenly using signs that I thought we had sort of let fall off the map. She now signs "banana" and "Mama", "dog" and "fish". She's funny about these later ones. With the exception of banana, most of the others she uses more when she's performing than when she's simply talking. It's clear that her getting a reaction when she uses the motions gets her all excited and so her gestures and her knowledge of the gestures gets exhibited a lot more when she knows that she has an audience. She even broke out the sign for "cracker" the other day...I about fell off my chair.
What else is Kayla up to...she is still a singing/dancing fool and is in love with anything and everything music. She sings "Twinkle Twinkle", "Row Row Row", "Happy Birthday", "ABCs" and she will often join in for parts of far more complicated songs. She is desperately in love with "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, as well as with "Part of Your World" and "Kiss The Girl" from the Little Mermaid. She is seriously lucky that while her mom may not remember when she first crawled, her mom does remember nearly every word to every Disney song ever made. Kayla is also a big fan of little song/rhymes like "Five Little Pumpkins", "Five Little Monkeys", "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Wheels on the Bus".
Kayla's also making crazy connections lately. For instance, the other night, she looked up at the sky, pointed to the big glowing orb above her head and said "Moon". So, I said "Yes, that's right, moon" and Kayla proceeded to launch into the "Moon Moon Moon" song that we used to sing in her baby yoga class. We saw a picture of a monkey in a book and when I told her it was a monkey, she started performing "Five Little Monkeys", hand gestures at all. And the cutest one yet...She has blocks downstairs; one of which has a koala on it. I pointed the koala out and named him, "Koala". Kayla put on finer to her lips and said "Shhh." Weird, I thought...so I pointed to the koala again - "Koala." "Shhhh," said Kayla. Same response. And then it clicked! Kayla has a book about Australian animals and on the last page is a sleeping koala and every time we get to that page, I say "Shhh. Koala is sleeping." CONNECTION! And it's so funny, because when you acknowledge the connection she made, she gets this big grin on her face like "I KNOW!! Am I incredible or what??" Seriously...how could you not worship this kid?
I have to say that with every passing day, I am more and more amazed at how much I love this little person. She makes me smile even on the worst days and her infectious smile, laugh and energy take all the stress out of you. Sure, she has her moments. We all do. And sure, sometimes after a long day of work, the last thing I want to do is change a diaper, go through a bedtime routine...but then we're lying there in that chair and she is cuddled up - face pressed into my neck, her legs wrapped around my waist and suddenly there is nowhere in the world I would rather be.
18 months...
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Family Hugs
You know what Kayla loves? Family hugs. She loves me to hold her while Daddy pulls us both in tight for a big bear hug. Because we've been saying "awww" when we give big hugs, she now says the same thing "awww" as she hugs us right back. And if she sees Chris and I hug and she's not involved...she comes running over, demands to be picked up and then goes in for the big "awww" again.
Seriously...how cute is my kid?
What have we been doing lately...everything and nothing at once. Life seems to fly by at the speed of light now that I am back in the office full-time. Between work, daycare, commutes to NY...we are living seriously busy lives. We're fitting the fun in where we can though. The other weekend, for instance, we went to the Baltimore Aquarium. Kayla loved the fish...for at least five minutes. Then she loved waving at people, running around like a crazy person through the dark, crowd infested tunnels...it was, well, it was fun, but HOLY GOD.
We've also been making plenty of time for park play. Slides, swings, big plastic cars in the crazy park where everyone brings their old push/ride/roll toys to donate...
Kayla is growing and changing every second of every day. She is my amazing little hero - tackling every new challenge with energy, enthusiasm and fire. I love her more every second.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
You are 16 going on 17
Kayla is now 16 going on 17 months old and her days of being a baby seem to be moving farther and farther behind her. She is such a little KID now. She has all of these thoughts and feelings and needs and desires. She is exercising her right to direct her own world and she is trying desperately to express herself in a way that the big people can understand. She is no longer aimlessly babbling, trying out new sounds simply for the sake of making them. Instead, she is combining "words" and hand signals to get across actual points and she is looking us dead in the eye and saying "Ah ga baba dada ga?" with such intent and perfect inflection that we can almost understand what it is she's trying to say. Almost. She's also developing more and more true words every day, although her favorite form of communication is still singing. The child sings non-stop, all day, every day, running through a repertoire of songs that would impress even the most advanced karaoke machine. And she sings IN TUNE. I kid you not, the child will sing a song and it is crystal clear which one she is crooning, be it Twinkle Twinkle, Row Row Row Your Boat, The ABC Song, or The Wheels on the Bus. I don't know...maybe all kids can do this, but honestly, I don't think so. This kid has some musical talent.
Back to the words though. The newest word in Kayla's repertoire is "outside". Yes, "outside". Before she says "bowl" or "cheese" or "mama", she says "outside". I want to be bothered by "mama" still getting shoved to the background, but to have her say "outside" as one of her very first words...I'm also a little bit proud. Thanks to Lake Ontario, who clearly inspired this need to finally voice her love of the outdoors. We spent the weekend at a friend's cabin this past week and after running around the huge yard and surrounding fields like a crazy person all night, Kayla woke up our second morning, rushed straight for the patio door and started shouting "OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!" My daughter rocks.
Other than the vocal milestones, Kayla has started to work on her climbing skills - oh. yip. pee. And she is focused on trying to imitate everything we do. On the plus side, this includes brushing her teeth and hair. On the downside, it includes trying to walk down the stairs. On the plus side, it means being eager to throw things in the trash when asked. On the downside, it means putting things into the trashcan when NOT ASKED, i.e. when Mom isn't looking and she finds a clearly trash-worthy bowl, pair of sunglasses and set of house keys.
The other thing Kayla has developed is an ability to run.
Like the wind.
Nearly every day for the past two weeks, we've gotten a call from her daycare:
"Hello, Mrs. Duck. Everything is fine, but we wanted you to know that Kayla fell and bumped her [insert new body part of the day here] today."
When I picked her up yesterday, I signed yet another pink slip saying that no, I will not sue them for Kayla's newest bruise, when the teacher said to me, "You know...we have been calling you a lot."
"Yep. Almost every day."
"Yeah...you know...the problem is that Kayla doesn't walk. She runs. She runs really really fast. And she never stops. And so when she trips and falls...it's a big fall."
My daughter doesn't walk. She runs. She runs and she climbs and she rolls and she climbs and she spins and she stomps and she is a crazy little whirlwind monkey monster.
And she is hilarious.
She has a book of actions which is one of her new favorites. It says things like "I am a seal and I clap my hands. Can you do it?" and "I am a cat and I arch my back. Can you do it?" And there she is, trying to do every maneuver. She watches us and tries to do what we do. She watches me squat and she squats. She sees a kid on the playground Jump and she Jumps. She sees everything and she understands so much more than you would think. Another part of the same book shows a row of ducks. First it shows their "fronts", then it shows their "backs". I say to Kayla, "Front. Back." and I kid you not, Kayla, without any prompting, first points to her belly/chest and then tries to reach around to grab her back. Seriously...how does she learn these things?
All of these developments, all of these changes...it's not all fun and games though. The last week, in fact, we've been dealing with something kind of tough. For a number of nights running, Kayla has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. Not crying or whining, but screaming. She is screaming like someone is stabbing her in the stomach or like some terrifying monster is pawing at her crib. It's horrifying. Last night, even after I went in, picked her up and tried talking to her, touching her back, rocking her, she kept screaming and screaming. All I can think is that it's night terrors - that she's not really awake and that's why my being there doesn't comfort her like it normally would. The experience is horrific. Not being able to comfort her is the worst. And the sleep deprivation ain't a lot of fun either. I'm hoping it's a short phase...that it will pass quickly like so many of the phases do. It's not a fun phase. It's a scary one and I'm trying to resist calling the pediatrician to ask for advice on something that I'm sure they'll say "will pass".
But no more talk of that. Putting her to bed tonight was rough and, frankly, I'm ready to simply pass out myself and be done with the day. But before I do that, here are some happy pictures of the little munchkin who, despite the recent sleepless nights, still makes me fall in love with her over and over again, each and every day.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Down Days
As of next week, I will officially have been in Virginia for two months and Kayla will have been here for slightly more than one. While we're starting to settle in and most days are good, I have to admit that I still have days where it's simply...hard.
I was so incredibly fortunate to spend that first year at home with Kayla. Being there for all of her firsts, for all of those amazing moments where the light bulb popped on over her head, was a precious gift. Being able to take afternoon naps after Kayla had a bad night...likewise, a gift. That said, there were days that I longed for the adult stimulation that work provides and there were days I longed to go back to doing something more intellectually stimulating than dreaming up new mushed food recipes. Now that I'm back here though, I realize how hard it really is to do it all. I'm certainly not the first one to talk about this - there is literature everywhere discussing these ideas in far more depth and eloquent detail than I will attempt here - but it has occurred to me many times over the past weeks that the "freedom" women now have to be both mother and professional, can be its own kind of prison. Certainly, being the feminist that I am, I am glad I have the choice. I am glad that I can choose to work and to raise my child. That said, some days when I am trying to be the best I can be at both of my chosen careers, I find myself feeling tired, a little overwhelmed and, sometimes, stretched a little thin. This schedule...I wake at 0600, hoping to get a shower and to get ready before Kayla wakes up. If that works, great. If it doesn't, it is rush rush rush to get ready while trying to entertain her, keep her happy and keep her from running off to find something dangerous to do. Not easy. Then it's rush to get her ready and to get us out of the house. We rush to daycare because if I don't drop her off early enough, then I don't get to work early enough and then I can't leave work early enough to get back to pick her up at a reasonable time. So, it's up at 0600, out of the house with Kayla by 0715. We get to daycare by 0730/0745 and I get to work by 0800/0815. I work my 8.5 hours and then rush back to pick her up, hopefully no later than 1715, so that we can get home no later than 1800 so that we have time to get her dinner before she is starving, to have some brief playtime together, to have time for a bath and for reading, singing and relaxing together before bed and then it's down to bed for Kayla by 2030 and, let's be honest, by 2130 for me. It's a packed day. And the hardest part is that this leaves me with essentially no "me" time. I have Kayla in the morning, then coworkers all day long, then Kayla in the evening and then one blessed hour in which I basically shovel down some dinner, brush my teeth, wash my face, climb in bed and maybe get in a chapter of my book. I'm not trying to complain. Obviously, there are people who have it way worse, but I'm trying to explain why some days...some days are harder than others. On the days when Kayla didn't sleep well the night before or when I have had stress at work or when Kayla has decided that it's temper tantrum time or when I realize that it's now been three months since I last got my hair done and my highlights start about mid-neck...well, those days are harder. Or one days like today, when Kayla reverts to clinging to me and sobbing hysterically when I drop her off...oh, God. I can't explain how horrible that feeling is...Even knowing she'll be fine before I've ever left the room, even knowing that she likely has a fabulous time playing all day, even knowing that she isn't really mad at me, she is only saying "I love you, Mama. Can't you stay and play too?" Even knowing all that, it still breaks my heart to leave her behind. The guilt of "abandoning" her every day is unbearable. And I don't feel it every day. Not anymore. But there are still those occasional mornings, like today, where I tell her goodbye while wanting nothing more than to pull her back into my arms and to take us both out to the park to spend a Mommy-Daughter day laughing in the sun.
I was so incredibly fortunate to spend that first year at home with Kayla. Being there for all of her firsts, for all of those amazing moments where the light bulb popped on over her head, was a precious gift. Being able to take afternoon naps after Kayla had a bad night...likewise, a gift. That said, there were days that I longed for the adult stimulation that work provides and there were days I longed to go back to doing something more intellectually stimulating than dreaming up new mushed food recipes. Now that I'm back here though, I realize how hard it really is to do it all. I'm certainly not the first one to talk about this - there is literature everywhere discussing these ideas in far more depth and eloquent detail than I will attempt here - but it has occurred to me many times over the past weeks that the "freedom" women now have to be both mother and professional, can be its own kind of prison. Certainly, being the feminist that I am, I am glad I have the choice. I am glad that I can choose to work and to raise my child. That said, some days when I am trying to be the best I can be at both of my chosen careers, I find myself feeling tired, a little overwhelmed and, sometimes, stretched a little thin. This schedule...I wake at 0600, hoping to get a shower and to get ready before Kayla wakes up. If that works, great. If it doesn't, it is rush rush rush to get ready while trying to entertain her, keep her happy and keep her from running off to find something dangerous to do. Not easy. Then it's rush to get her ready and to get us out of the house. We rush to daycare because if I don't drop her off early enough, then I don't get to work early enough and then I can't leave work early enough to get back to pick her up at a reasonable time. So, it's up at 0600, out of the house with Kayla by 0715. We get to daycare by 0730/0745 and I get to work by 0800/0815. I work my 8.5 hours and then rush back to pick her up, hopefully no later than 1715, so that we can get home no later than 1800 so that we have time to get her dinner before she is starving, to have some brief playtime together, to have time for a bath and for reading, singing and relaxing together before bed and then it's down to bed for Kayla by 2030 and, let's be honest, by 2130 for me. It's a packed day. And the hardest part is that this leaves me with essentially no "me" time. I have Kayla in the morning, then coworkers all day long, then Kayla in the evening and then one blessed hour in which I basically shovel down some dinner, brush my teeth, wash my face, climb in bed and maybe get in a chapter of my book. I'm not trying to complain. Obviously, there are people who have it way worse, but I'm trying to explain why some days...some days are harder than others. On the days when Kayla didn't sleep well the night before or when I have had stress at work or when Kayla has decided that it's temper tantrum time or when I realize that it's now been three months since I last got my hair done and my highlights start about mid-neck...well, those days are harder. Or one days like today, when Kayla reverts to clinging to me and sobbing hysterically when I drop her off...oh, God. I can't explain how horrible that feeling is...Even knowing she'll be fine before I've ever left the room, even knowing that she likely has a fabulous time playing all day, even knowing that she isn't really mad at me, she is only saying "I love you, Mama. Can't you stay and play too?" Even knowing all that, it still breaks my heart to leave her behind. The guilt of "abandoning" her every day is unbearable. And I don't feel it every day. Not anymore. But there are still those occasional mornings, like today, where I tell her goodbye while wanting nothing more than to pull her back into my arms and to take us both out to the park to spend a Mommy-Daughter day laughing in the sun.
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