Family Hugs

You know what Kayla loves? Family hugs. She loves me to hold her while Daddy pulls us both in tight for a big bear hug. Because we've been saying "awww" when we give big hugs, she now says the same thing "awww" as she hugs us right back. And if she sees Chris and I hug and she's not involved...she comes running over, demands to be picked up and then goes in for the big "awww" again.

Seriously...how cute is my kid?

What have we been doing lately...everything and nothing at once. Life seems to fly by at the speed of light now that I am back in the office full-time. Between work, daycare, commutes to NY...we are living seriously busy lives. We're fitting the fun in where we can though. The other weekend, for instance, we went to the Baltimore Aquarium. Kayla loved the fish...for at least five minutes. Then she loved waving at people, running around like a crazy person through the dark, crowd infested tunnels...it was, well, it was fun, but HOLY GOD.





We've also been making plenty of time for park play. Slides, swings, big plastic cars in the crazy park where everyone brings their old push/ride/roll toys to donate...










Kayla is growing and changing every second of every day. She is my amazing little hero - tackling every new challenge with energy, enthusiasm and fire. I love her more every second.

You are 16 going on 17

Kayla is now 16 going on 17 months old and her days of being a baby seem to be moving farther and farther behind her. She is such a little KID now. She has all of these thoughts and feelings and needs and desires. She is exercising her right to direct her own world and she is trying desperately to express herself in a way that the big people can understand. She is no longer aimlessly babbling, trying out new sounds simply for the sake of making them. Instead, she is combining "words" and hand signals to get across actual points and she is looking us dead in the eye and saying "Ah ga baba dada ga?" with such intent and perfect inflection that we can almost understand what it is she's trying to say. Almost. She's also developing more and more true words every day, although her favorite form of communication is still singing. The child sings non-stop, all day, every day, running through a repertoire of songs that would impress even the most advanced karaoke machine. And she sings IN TUNE. I kid you not, the child will sing a song and it is crystal clear which one she is crooning, be it Twinkle Twinkle, Row Row Row Your Boat, The ABC Song, or The Wheels on the Bus. I don't know...maybe all kids can do this, but honestly, I don't think so. This kid has some musical talent.

Back to the words though. The newest word in Kayla's repertoire is "outside". Yes, "outside". Before she says "bowl" or "cheese" or "mama", she says "outside". I want to be bothered by "mama" still getting shoved to the background, but to have her say "outside" as one of her very first words...I'm also a little bit proud. Thanks to Lake Ontario, who clearly inspired this need to finally voice her love of the outdoors. We spent the weekend at a friend's cabin this past week and after running around the huge yard and surrounding fields like a crazy person all night, Kayla woke up our second morning, rushed straight for the patio door and started shouting "OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!" My daughter rocks.

Other than the vocal milestones, Kayla has started to work on her climbing skills - oh. yip. pee. And she is focused on trying to imitate everything we do. On the plus side, this includes brushing her teeth and hair. On the downside, it includes trying to walk down the stairs. On the plus side, it means being eager to throw things in the trash when asked. On the downside, it means putting things into the trashcan when NOT ASKED, i.e. when Mom isn't looking and she finds a clearly trash-worthy bowl, pair of sunglasses and set of house keys.

The other thing Kayla has developed is an ability to run.
Like the wind.
Nearly every day for the past two weeks, we've gotten a call from her daycare:
"Hello, Mrs. Duck. Everything is fine, but we wanted you to know that Kayla fell and bumped her [insert new body part of the day here] today."
When I picked her up yesterday, I signed yet another pink slip saying that no, I will not sue them for Kayla's newest bruise, when the teacher said to me, "You know...we have been calling you a lot."
"Yep. Almost every day."
"Yeah...you know...the problem is that Kayla doesn't walk. She runs. She runs really really fast. And she never stops. And so when she trips and falls...it's a big fall."
My daughter doesn't walk. She runs. She runs and she climbs and she rolls and she climbs and she spins and she stomps and she is a crazy little whirlwind monkey monster.
And she is hilarious.
She has a book of actions which is one of her new favorites. It says things like "I am a seal and I clap my hands. Can you do it?" and "I am a cat and I arch my back. Can you do it?" And there she is, trying to do every maneuver. She watches us and tries to do what we do. She watches me squat and she squats. She sees a kid on the playground Jump and she Jumps. She sees everything and she understands so much more than you would think. Another part of the same book shows a row of ducks. First it shows their "fronts", then it shows their "backs". I say to Kayla, "Front. Back." and I kid you not, Kayla, without any prompting, first points to her belly/chest and then tries to reach around to grab her back. Seriously...how does she learn these things?


All of these developments, all of these changes...it's not all fun and games though. The last week, in fact, we've been dealing with something kind of tough. For a number of nights running, Kayla has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. Not crying or whining, but screaming. She is screaming like someone is stabbing her in the stomach or like some terrifying monster is pawing at her crib. It's horrifying. Last night, even after I went in, picked her up and tried talking to her, touching her back, rocking her, she kept screaming and screaming. All I can think is that it's night terrors - that she's not really awake and that's why my being there doesn't comfort her like it normally would. The experience is horrific. Not being able to comfort her is the worst. And the sleep deprivation ain't a lot of fun either. I'm hoping it's a short phase...that it will pass quickly like so many of the phases do. It's not a fun phase. It's a scary one and I'm trying to resist calling the pediatrician to ask for advice on something that I'm sure they'll say "will pass".

But no more talk of that. Putting her to bed tonight was rough and, frankly, I'm ready to simply pass out myself and be done with the day. But before I do that, here are some happy pictures of the little munchkin who, despite the recent sleepless nights, still makes me fall in love with her over and over again, each and every day.

Down Days

As of next week, I will officially have been in Virginia for two months and Kayla will have been here for slightly more than one. While we're starting to settle in and most days are good, I have to admit that I still have days where it's simply...hard.

I was so incredibly fortunate to spend that first year at home with Kayla. Being there for all of her firsts, for all of those amazing moments where the light bulb popped on over her head, was a precious gift. Being able to take afternoon naps after Kayla had a bad night...likewise, a gift. That said, there were days that I longed for the adult stimulation that work provides and there were days I longed to go back to doing something more intellectually stimulating than dreaming up new mushed food recipes. Now that I'm back here though, I realize how hard it really is to do it all. I'm certainly not the first one to talk about this - there is literature everywhere discussing these ideas in far more depth and eloquent detail than I will attempt here - but it has occurred to me many times over the past weeks that the "freedom" women now have to be both mother and professional, can be its own kind of prison. Certainly, being the feminist that I am, I am glad I have the choice. I am glad that I can choose to work and to raise my child. That said, some days when I am trying to be the best I can be at both of my chosen careers, I find myself feeling tired, a little overwhelmed and, sometimes, stretched a little thin. This schedule...I wake at 0600, hoping to get a shower and to get ready before Kayla wakes up. If that works, great. If it doesn't, it is rush rush rush to get ready while trying to entertain her, keep her happy and keep her from running off to find something dangerous to do. Not easy. Then it's rush to get her ready and to get us out of the house. We rush to daycare because if I don't drop her off early enough, then I don't get to work early enough and then I can't leave work early enough to get back to pick her up at a reasonable time. So, it's up at 0600, out of the house with Kayla by 0715. We get to daycare by 0730/0745 and I get to work by 0800/0815. I work my 8.5 hours and then rush back to pick her up, hopefully no later than 1715, so that we can get home no later than 1800 so that we have time to get her dinner before she is starving, to have some brief playtime together, to have time for a bath and for reading, singing and relaxing together before bed and then it's down to bed for Kayla by 2030 and, let's be honest, by 2130 for me. It's a packed day. And the hardest part is that this leaves me with essentially no "me" time. I have Kayla in the morning, then coworkers all day long, then Kayla in the evening and then one blessed hour in which I basically shovel down some dinner, brush my teeth, wash my face, climb in bed and maybe get in a chapter of my book. I'm not trying to complain. Obviously, there are people who have it way worse, but I'm trying to explain why some days...some days are harder than others. On the days when Kayla didn't sleep well the night before or when I have had stress at work or when Kayla has decided that it's temper tantrum time or when I realize that it's now been three months since I last got my hair done and my highlights start about mid-neck...well, those days are harder. Or one days like today, when Kayla reverts to clinging to me and sobbing hysterically when I drop her off...oh, God. I can't explain how horrible that feeling is...Even knowing she'll be fine before I've ever left the room, even knowing that she likely has a fabulous time playing all day, even knowing that she isn't really mad at me, she is only saying "I love you, Mama. Can't you stay and play too?" Even knowing all that, it still breaks my heart to leave her behind. The guilt of "abandoning" her every day is unbearable. And I don't feel it every day. Not anymore. But there are still those occasional mornings, like today, where I tell her goodbye while wanting nothing more than to pull her back into my arms and to take us both out to the park to spend a Mommy-Daughter day laughing in the sun.

Brussel Sprouts Are...

And An Update in Photos

From The Ether

Hello my friends. Are you still there? Are you checking in religiously and cursing my name for having posted NOTHING in two months? (Ahem, Anna...)

I know.

I suck.

Or maybe you aren't even bothering to read anymore in which case you are missing my self-deprecating confession of sins.

Does that make sense? Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. Be glad that I'm writing at all, mmmkay? Linguistic feasibility aside.

So...

Where in the world are The Ducks??

As of this week, that question, though still loaded, got a teeny, tiny bit easier to answer. The Ducks are officially back in their home in Vienna, VA. That's right. We have a home, complete with our possessions. To some, this is every day...for us, this is a special special thing. For the last month or so, we've been living in the utter chaos. Here's a little description of how things have gone...

May 16 - Erin packs up as many of her worldly possessions as possible and moves into a lovely hotel room near Dulles International Airport in Virginia. There she stays for one week while waiting to make the transition to living with some very giving friends in "A Land Far Far Away" (or, as it is more commonly known, Gainesville, VA).
May 19 - Kayla, who has been spending some quality alone time with Daddy in Hoboken, gets picked up and transported down to Williamsburg, VA, courtesy of the Grandma/Grandpa Spatz shuttle. There she will stay for the next 3 1/2 weeks while her parents try to figure out how the heck all this is going to work.
May 20-22 - Erin rushes down to Williamsburg to see her much missed daughter. The trip is sweet, but far too short and Erin bawls her eyes out on the drive back to DC.
May 23 - Erin starts her new position in DC (STRRRRESSSSS) and moves in with the Gainesville Friends. She now has a FANTASTIC 1+ hour commute.
May 27-30 - Erin and Chris (who is still up in The Hoboken working) both rush back to Williamsburg to see the Snuzz. They get to spend a long weekend there, which is a Godsend. Erin bawls like a baby on the way back to DC (are you seeing a pattern?)
June 3-5 - Erin rushes back down to Williamsburg for another visit. It's decided that Kayla should stay in Williamsburg through June 12th. Erin bawls the whole way back to DC, but knows it's the right decision - time to pack, time to arrange, time to get ready for the move-in on the 13th, less chance of traumatizing the baby by moving her between three different places in the span of one week...The last week is incredibly lonely and painful all the same.
June 12 - Kayla finally arrives in DC and she, Mommy and a visiting Aunt K spend one more night in Gainesville.
June 13 - Kayla has her first day of "school", although she only goes for a trial two hours. Aunt K and Mommy then get all our stuff packed out of the Gainesville house and unpacked into our new Vienna home. Kayla gets to sleep in her new room. Daddy arrives late that night, after having spent the day with the packers in Hoboken. He and Mommy spend a super uncomfortable night on a blow-up mattress while Aunt K sleeps on a futon in the basement.
June 14 - Mommy has to go to work, so Daddy and Aunt K handle meeting the movers when they arrive in VA. The house gets filled top to bottom with boxes and furniture...it is a mess. Kayla spends four hours at daycare. When she gets to daycare, she gets down, starts to play...but when Mommy says goodbye, Kayla starts to sob runs for Mommy's legs. Mommy sobs her way to work.
June 15 - Kayla goes to daycare for a full day! She gets quiet as soon as we walk into the building. As soon as I try to set her down, she starts to sob and clings to me as though I were a cliff edge and she was about to fall. I sob my way to work yet again. Aunt K and Chris head back up to NYC and Mommy and Kayla spend their first night alone in the mostly unpacked, totally disastrous house.
June 16 and 17 - Mommy and Kayla repeat the pattern of Kayla sobbing when Mommy drops her off and Mommy sobbing her way to work. Mommy thinks her heart might break.

And so on and so forth...Daddy came back down for the weekend through Tuesday night, which was AWESOME. Kayla and Mommy miss him so much and having the family separated for this long is really really really getting old.

The daycare thing...the mornings last week were horrible. Kayla sobbed, I sobbed...It was truly the worst feeling in the world to "abandon" her there every day. That said, when I would come to pick her up, she was always CLEARLY having fun. She would be playing, laughing and they would swear that within 5 minutes of me leaving in the morning, she was fine. It didn't make it easier. But the nights...oh the nights were so wonderful. I would go to pick Kayla up and she would spot me from across the room, burst into a beaming smile that made the sun seem dim, would run at me, throw herself into my arms and hug and hug and hug. She was in the BEST mood every night. No matter how little she'd slept at daycare, she was an angel at night. We would lie in the rocking chair together, singing, reading and cuddling...those moments took my breath away and I have never been more glad to have free minutes with that little person.

This week daycare has gone MUCH better. Monday she got down willingly and ran off to play - I think she'd honestly forgotten the previous week's trauma. She did bawl when I left, but I heard it end before I'd reached the front door. Tuesday - she didn't want to get down, but she cried for an even shorter amount of time and today...today she barely cried at all and I could have cheered. I have now driven to work three days in a row without crying. I mean not one tear. There is hope!

Anyway, life is still chaos, but we're starting to sort of settle in. Chris is still back and forth to NYC...Kayla is still figuring out daycare...I'm still figuring out how to work full-time and get dinner on the table...but we're getting there!!

Hang in with me...I may not be great about updating in the coming weeks, but I'll try!! Wait for me!

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

*Sigh*

Best. Party. Ever.


With perfection in every form, Kayla's first birthday party was a great success. She was the happiest, most affectionate, most entertaining birthday girl I have ever seen. She smiled and laughed and played with not one moment of fussiness, despite being surrounded by 30 people and no time for a nap. She put up with the monster tutu that her mommy put her in, she wore her birthday hat without a complaint and when it came time for her cupcake, she dove right in and made a beautiful photo perfect mess, just as every first birthday parent hopes their child will. She was wonderful. She was perfect. She is my baby and I couldn't help but get choked up a few times yesterday watching her turn into a delightful little kid. She is maturing every day, becoming more and more of a toddler and less and less of a baby. She figures things out at lightening speed and is becoming shockingly self-sufficient in some ways. She is also becoming quite the show-boater and to prove that point, Kayla chose to wait until yesterday afternoon, when she was surrounded by family and friends, to take her very first steps. The room erupted and she beamed around at everyone, clapped her hands and went "Yay!!!!" My daughter...I can't express how grateful I am to have her in my life. She creates sunshine where I might otherwise have had a cloudy day and she is constantly reminding me that "Hey, it's not that bad. It's never that bad." After all the hoopla was finished yesterday, she and I lay in bed reading books before it was time for night-night and I marveled at this cuddly little body who means more to me than anything else in the world. You can't know until you have a child how much your parents love you. There is nothing like it in the world. It's magic.

And so, Kayla Potata, Happy Birthday and Happy First Year of Life. You are a magical, wonderful, special little girl and your Mommy and Daddy love you with all their hearts. Continue to be brave, continue to be curious, continue to be loving and continue to be kind. You become more and more amazing every day and I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

And for those of you who have been asking for pictures of all my arts and crafts, I've tried to include pics below. Hard to capture the full effect, but trust me...it was wow worthy. :)

Front Door - the theme for the party - "Baby in Bloom" (Flower says "Kayla is 1", while the stem spells out the theme)


Month Banner - A number and picture from each of the first 11 months!


The Birthday Girl takes her first steps!


The Spread...

The Dessert Table:


Themed Yumminess:


Custom Labels and Toothpicks with Spring Leaves:


Kayla-ified Cupcakes!!!


The Best Part of All:












And finally, why babies and sugar don't mix: