Basically, two weeks ago we had an impromptu visit to the doctor. For a few days in a row, Kayla's first diaper of the morning would have a tiny bit of pink in it alongside the urine. The first time we thought it was a fluke - maybe some weird coloring in the diaper. By the third time though, we were a little worried and though it was an awfully pink pink, we thought it might be blood or something else equally worrisome, so off to the doctor we went. They tested her urine and found no traces of blood - phew! But, that didn't solve the mystery of the pink. As the doc was telling us about all the possible explanations for the pink (protein deposits, me eating too many cranberries...), I brought up the fact that when the nurse weighed her, I noticed that she hadn't gained a single ounce since our visit two weeks prior, saying to the doctor, "Well, could the pink have anything to do with her lack of weight gain? Shouldn't she have gained weight since our last visit?" I kid you not, the doctor hadn't even looked at her chart. I don't think she would have even mentioned the weight gain (or lack thereof) if I hadn't pointed it out (perhaps this is why Chris insists we try to only go on days when the male doctor is there). So, she looks at Kayla's chart and says "Oh yes...she should be gaining more like 5-10oz a week...". ACK! Mommy Alarm Going Off!!! What do you mean she should have gained 5-10oz and she's gained 0? What is happening to my baby???? So we have this whole discussion about eating habits and me needing to ensure that Kayla starts bulking up, during which the doctor tells me that I need to maybe start supplementing with formula and that I definitely need to start waking Kayla up to eat in the middle of the night.
...
Wake her up? Are you CRAZY? I think you better give me Plan B because we aren't going for Plan A. Wake her up?? The kid sleeps through the night. Like sleeps for a straight 8-10 hours. If you think I'm going to wreck that, you are dreaming. I'm happy to pump her full of additional food during the day, but if you think I'm going to teach her to start waking up every 3-4 hours again, you are smoking something seriously strong...both mama and baby are MUCH happier when getting a good night's rest, so...maybe she can just be a little skinnier? No?
Anyhow...
So, I left the doctor's office a wreck. Not only was I terrified at Kayla's lack of weight gain (my baby!!!!), but I was also traumatized by the idea that I might have to start ruining what had become a beautiful sleep schedule. And supplementing...a whole new issue to add into the mix. Everything you read about supplementing is that it is harder on their tummies (oh great. back to the bad tummy.) and that it isn't nearly as nutritionally beneficial as breastmilk (guilt. guilt. guilt.)
The reality is that I had thought maybe my milk supply was decreasing. Too many nights of Snuzzles sleeping for 10 hours straight and a series of days in which we were traveling, at big events, etc., and it was tough to fit in pumping, had definitely made a difference in how "full" I was feeling. Even before I'd found out Kayla hadn't gained weight, I was starting to worry that maybe my milk supply was running low and, whether or not that was the real cause, finding out that Kayla hadn't gained enough weight just solidified my fears. It's a strange thing too...when the doctor first told me I'd have to start supplementing, it didn't really bother me. I thought "Well, in some ways that will probably be really convenient. No more trying to subtly breastfeed at the restaurant table...", but by that night, I was in tears. Something about feeling like maybe I couldn't provide for her just really bothered me. I hadn't expected it at all. I think with motherhood comes a strong new dose of guilt. You suddenly feel so responsible for this little being you're raising and the slightest inkling that maybe you're not doing an absolutely perfect job just tears you apart. Ridiculous, right? But that first night as I watched her get frustrated breastfeeding and then watched her gulp down a supplementary bottle, I felt my heart break and my whole chest swell with this irrational feeling of having failed her in some way. You truly can't fully explain how intensely you feel about your child...it is this feeling that just takes over every ounce of your being. You could explode with happiness when they smile, explode with pride each time they accomplish a new milestone, implode with sadness anytime you think they're not 100% thriving...Thank God for supportive husbands and moms...I don't know how people who don't have that kind of support system do it. I needed reassurance so badly and nothing helped like having both Chris and my mom insist that Kayla was absolutely fine and that I had no responsibility in this. Some things you just need to hear from other people - comforting yourself just doesn't always suffice.
Long story short, it is now two weeks later and Kayla went back in today for her weigh in. For the past two weeks we've primarily been giving her a bottle, a mixture of breastmilk and formula. Technically, the doctor told me that I could continue to breastfeed and we would just decide, based on her weight this week, what needed to happen next, but there was such comfort in knowing exactly how much she was taking in (why boobs don't come with a gauge, I will never know...), that I've only been breastfeeding her once or twice a day and just pumping otherwise. We hadn't seen any more pink in her diapers (did I mention we discovered that it was crystallization of proteins due to dehydration? Um, hello...cranberries, doc? Maybe Chris is right about you...) and she has seemed so content, so I was hoping all would be well, but was still secretly worried that maybe she wasn't thriving. Needless to say, all my worries were for naught. The kid is a freakin' giant! In the past two weeks, Kayla has gone from 11lbs 6oz to 12lbs 13oz. Holy cow!! She's turning into a regular porker! Luckily for her, double chins are super cute at this age. The doctor literally looked at her chart, laughed and said "Well, clearly I'm not worried about her weight anymore...". I had to ask him if maybe we were overfeeding her now! (Yes, you can totally do that. In fact, I met an obese 3 month old the other night. No lie. You would not have BELIEVED the size of this kid!) He says no though. He says the amount we're giving her is just fine and not to worry, she was probably just making up for lost time. 12lbs 13oz...honestly...
And so, mommy can now breathe a long sigh of relief and take a break from worrying about baby until the next time something strange happens.
For now though, it is just time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fact that my little 3 Month Old (Happy Birthday SnuzzleFace!) is now a "big girl".
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