Dear Lord,

Back when I was pregnant, you and I had numerous discussions about pregnancy and ways in which, perhaps, the process could be improved upon. Up until now, I hadn't really felt experienced enough to continue that dialogue with a new focus on motherhood and infant growth; however, with nearly six months under my belt now, I'm feeling more and more qualified every day and so, I would like to reinitiate our conversation, starting with these few points:

1. Teething. Was it really necessary to make the teething process such that those sharp little bits of bone have to force their way up and through the sensitive skin of baby's gums in order to come into existence? Really? I have to tell you that it seems somewhat barbaric, a strange form of torture, to have teeth come into being in that manner. Is this some sort of right of passage for babies? Something akin to the natives who throw themselves off cliffs, slamming their heads into the dirt, only to be deemed "men"? Have you seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine? You know the way he reacts after they've inserted the adamantium into his body and his claws shoot through for the first time? Seriously...there has to be a better way. (and yes, that's right, I said adamantium. nerrrrd.)

2. Nails. Why must babies be born with nails? As far as I can tell, the only function they serve is to scratch both baby and mommy as little uncontrolled baby limbs fly to and fro in the first couple months. (And for those of you who are going to throw out an evolutionary explanation, come on...do you seriously think that at any point in time, a baby was able to fend off a dangerous foe with its nails? I am willing to put lots of money on the fact that baby nails back in caveman times, highly ineffective against velociraptors.)Why couldn't nails develop later? Way later. Like once baby is 13 and can trim them herself. Of course, maybe giving baby sharp claws at the same time as she hits puberty isn't a brilliant idea...but there's got to be a better way than giving them to her when she has no control over her appendages and when those little sharp dagger claws are small enough that, in trying to trim them, a well-meaning mother might (just hypothetically of course) cut the little finger they're protruding from, causing baby and mommy to cry together in fear and shame.

3. Lack of Ability to Store Up Sleep. Much like the camel stores water so that it can traverse the long dry desert, would it not make sense to allow expectant mothers to store up sleep so that they can traverse the long sleepless nights that are baby's first few months? The bonding, the sharing, the getting to know one another...I'm just thinking that it might all go a little more smoothly were mom not running on about 2 hours of sleep. Mom might be able to actually see baby's face rather than just an adorable blur and baby might find itself out and about with two non-matching socks, pants on its head and a hat over its bum far less often.

4. Inability to Blow Nose. Babies are born with lots of instincts. If they sense they are about to fall, they'll flail and grab for something to hold onto. If they eat too much, they spit-up to keep from being overly full. They are born knowing how to cry in order to get their needs taken care of. It seems only fair that they also be born with the instinctual ability to clear their airways. When baby gets a cold and has a nose stuffed full of cement-like snot, it impedes baby's ability to sleep and eat - the two most important tasks it has at this age. Does it not, therefore, make sense to give baby the ability to blow its nose from birth? I know you tried to make up for this oversight by giving some brilliant Swede the idea to invent The Nose Frida, but perhaps just letting baby push that stuff out on her own would be more effective. I mean, not that I don't enjoy a good Frida session, but between me fighting my gag reflex and Kayla screaming because, let's be honest, she probably feels like we're trying to suck her brain out through a nostril, I'm just thinking that her calmly blowing into a tissue might be a little more pleasant for everyone.

That's all for now, Lord. I'll be awaiting your reply. If you agree that some of these things could be amended, perhaps we could knock that out before Baby #2? No pressure, but hey, much like all those people who claim that "Windows 7 was my idea!", I'd like to get a little result for my thinking-effort. Cheers.