Thursday, February 10, 2011

Go Suck a Prune

You've seen that commercial for the new Jennifer Aniston movie? The one where she is lying on a beach chair watching a model-esque blond in a bikini exit the water and the 300-pound woman next to her turns to her and says "It's girls like that that make you and me not want to put on a swimsuit." You've seen the way Aniston then looks both amused and appalled? Well, that was exactly the same way I looked yesterday when a very similar thing happened to me.

Kayla and I were standing in line at the grocery store waiting to check out. On both sides of us were racks of tabloids talking about the newest celebrity pregnancies. The woman in front of me turned to me and said "What is with all of these models getting pregnant?" "I don't know," I replied "Guess it's something in the water." "Maybe," she said "but, you would think that models would be more worried about what was going to happen to their bodies. I mean for normal girls like you and me, who cares? I mean, we're not exactly working with perfection. But for models...yikes."

...

Thank you?

This woman was, I kid you not, about 85 years old (good thing for her, because it meant I couldn't beat her down), 4'4" and probably 200lbs. "Girls like you and me." Sheesh, lady. Project much? Do you need your eyes examined? I ain't saying I'm perfect, but you're seeing a mirror image? Give me a break.

So, fighting down the urge to let my vanity get the better of me, I simply say, "Well, maybe they decided the pluses of having a child outweigh the risks." At this point, Grandma looks down at my baby, then back up at me, then down at the baby and says "Could have fooled me."

...excuse me? Oh no you didn't. You did not mess with the baby. You did not question the worth of the adorable smiling little bundle of cuddly mush for whom I live.

Lady, you are single-handedly responsible for my faith in humanity getting shredded just a little bit further...or at least my faith in women and their ability to age gracefully. I am truly sorry that this woman either had some seriously worthless children (can't imagine where they get it from...) or that she never had kids and doesn't know the sheer joy that they can bring, but either way, could ya leave me and my giggling baby out of it? We were just standing here...minding our own business...feeling pretty darned good about the day...and now you've managed to trash both my body and her sweetness all in one fell swoop. You are clearly a Bad fairy. An old, round, bad fairy. That's right. I said it. You would too had she said it to you. Bad old fairy. Go suck on a prune.

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