Things That Make You Go, "Hmmm...."

Surely it is one of the great mysteries of life that something so little and sweet can make something so smelly and gross. I have heard tons of people talk about how "cute" baby poop is and listen, my baby is adorable and I do not even flinch when cleaning up her messiest of messes, that said, baby pooh...not cute. A shocking shade of orange? A watery mess? An amazing propensity to travel up the back and down the legs? Yes, yes, and yes. But cute? Admittedly there is something highly entertaining about having this tiny little bundle of adorable baby suddenly grit its...gums...and then let out an earth shattering fart that only a father could love, but trying to clean up a Code Red monster poop at 4am with your contacts out, not cute, just nasty.

To illustrate the poop point, allow me to tell you a little story about one of your first outings as a family. When Kayla was only a few days old, one of our first lengthy trips out of the house was to the doctor's office. We knew we would be gone a few hours, between the car ride and office visit, so we dutifully packed the diaper bag with everything we could possibly imagine as being necessary. Multiple diapers, check. Wipes, check. Burp cloth and blanket, check. Bottle in case of emergency need to feed in the car, check. Breastfeeding cover, check. And we kept right on checking off items until we were darn sure that we had it all covered and then off we set, feeling pretty parentally accomplished for only having had a baby for a few days. By the time we arrived at the doctor's office 30 minutes later, it was clear that Kayla had a dirty diaper (again I say how can something so small be SO stinky??) and so I confidently took her and the diaper bag full of supplies into the women's restroom for a quick pre-appointment change. I adeptly set up the little restroom changing table, covering it with our changing pad and laying out a diaper and the wipes, then I put Kayla down, unbuttoning and whipping up her clothes like an old pro. Then I undid her diaper and started in with the wipes. This is where it all went wrong...As I was halfway through wiping her up, suddenly she projectile, and I mean PROJECTILE like the little spinning-head girl in the Exorcist projectile, pooped all over the changing pad, all over the changing table, and I think even down onto the floor. I leapt to cover her with the old diaper, but it was far too late and as I watched in horror, the pooh (remember...infant pooh = watery) began to retreat, running back up the changing table, back over the changing pad and up and up, covering Kayla's back in nasty mess.

At this point new mom says "AAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"

And then, as I am still trying to figure out what the HECK to do now, Kayla pauses, smiles and then proceeds to go for round two, once again projectile pooping and, this time, adding a lovely stream of urine to the mixture. A friend informed me that telling this story is not nice as it will humiliate Kayla and she can't defend herself. I say, if she can projectile pooh on me, all is fair....

At any rate, as Round Two is going on, I am now doubled over laughing, because what else can you do?? I mean, seriously, it is pretty hilarious that she could manage to get me THAT good, plus, at this point, I have realized that the one thing we super-organized-hero-parents did not pack...a change of clothes for the baby. Are you hearing me? NO CHANGE OF CLOTHES. This kid is now covered in all sorts of bodily fluids, we have to head in to see a doctor for the first time, and we are going to look like the worst parents ever because she is going to be covered in her own feces. So, I did the best I could. I took off her pants and threw their barely recognizable selves into the diaper bag. I used a wet cloth to clean off the back of her shirt as best I could. I put on a new diaper after doing my best to wash off her little body in the sink and then I wrapped her in a blanket because that was the closest thing I had to a change of clothes. Then I washed off the now orange changing pad in the sink, did my best to scrub the public changing table (now also died a lovely shade of citrus), packed my child back into her car seat and exited the bathroom to tell her father "You will never believe what our precious angel just did...".

And so, I say to you, #1 ALWAYS pack extra clothes. Not one set, but two or three or maybe even four, because you just NEVER know. Babies are sneaky and they will get you with their projectile capabilities at some point. And #2 While utterly hilarious at times, baby pooh is not, I repeat not, cute. It is loud and smelly and a shocking shade of orange, and you will spend an inordinate amount of time looking at it and talking about it, but it is not cute.