Take That, Miss Murkoff

So can we just talk about the insanity that can ensue when one spends too much time thinking about baby milestones? I think I mentioned before that I have, for the most part, put the baby books aside at this point. I just don't want to know What To Expect anymore. Following along with those expectations, no matter how many times they tell you that "every baby is different" and "these milestones are just estimates" could seriously drive you to drink. And when you know that having alcohol in your bloodstream could cause your baby to sleep less soundly, being driven to drink is a serious, serious thing.

Here's my problem with the milestones. Every new parent wants their baby to excel. If you don't, then you probably aren't cut out for this job. Every new parent wants their kid to achieve milestones right on time, if not early, so when a book tells you that your baby "likely should be able to" do thing x by 6-weeks of age, it is basically telling you that if the kid hasn't achieved thing x by 5 weeks and 6 days, it is time to PANIC. That's right. I said it. I don't care if you follow up the "should be able to" statement with a disclaimer saying "oh, but if they don't, that's okay...your child may just be slower" - Stop Right There. Slower?? Say what? Like as in may not get to graduate with the rest of her class slower? What are you telling me? "Don't panic if your child does not reach every milestone on time." Oh sure. Tell me my child is "slow" and then tell me not to panic. Like THAT is going to happen. What if I told you that your book sales were "slower" than anticipated, but not to worry because I was sure some day someone would "likely" be interested in reading your "milestones" and therefore someday you would "likely" start earning some income? Would that make you feel safe and secure, oh author? I think not. Think of the tortoise and the hare. Okay, I know that the point of that story was "slow and steady wins the race", but let's enter reality for a minute here. We all know that really the hare would have dusted the tortoise 9 times out of 10. The hare would have gotten the higher paying job straight out of college and, even if he burned out within just a couple years, he still would have burned out while earning a much higher salary than the tortoise who would likely have been plodding away, tucked into some unrewarding call representative job, earning minimum wage, with little chance for advancement. (Sorry, my experience with the travel agency yesterday has left me momentarily bitter enough with call reps that they currently represent, for me, the lowest form of human kind. My apologies to any call reps reading this. I am sure my faith will one day be restored and I am sure that you are far superior to the guy I dealt with...just bear with me while I try to get over my hate...) So, really...how often does someone succeed by being slower? Honestly? Let's all given an honest "rarely".

And you know what else? There should also be no averages given in these books. Some of us are not capable of not worrying when our child doesn't fall within the "average" parameters laid out in black and white on the pages of expert-written books. "At this age, your child should sleep an average of 15 hours a day." Oh my God! She slept for 18 hours yesterday and 19 the day before that! She is clearly suffering from some horrible sleep disease or we are just so painfully boring that she has decided that it isn't worth becoming more alert! "Your child should nurse 8-12 times a day for approximately 15-30 minutes at a time." Oh my God! Kayla eats for no more than 7 minutes at a time and only about 6 times a day! Clearly, despite the fact that she is growing like a weed, she must be malnourished or suffering from some rare disease in which her stomach is shrinking while the rest of her grows! No! Not our bay-ayby!

Oh okay, I exaggerate. I'm definitely not nearly as paranoid as all that. I forget to make people wash their hands before touching her now. I am thrilled when she goes more than 5 hours without eating (sleepy time for mama). I even put her pacifier back in her mouth after it popped out and rolled across the living room floor earlier (5 second rule!), but still...for the sake of all new parents, I do think these books should be burned, banned or otherwise relegated to dark dank places where they can't disturb the peaceful (ha!) slumbers of new parents. Perhaps, I shall write my own book. It will be called "You have a baby. I have a baby. And Neither Of Us Has a Clue." Or "Your Baby Rolled First, But Mine Went To Harvard." Or "My Baby's Smiling On The Inside." Or "Why Your Baby Ain't There and That is Okay." It's a work in progress. Regardless, I do think the standing rule with babies, in every parent's head, should be "que sera sera". When it comes to babies, you just have to live and let live, even if one baby is living a more smiley, graspy, rolly life than another.