Small Break for a Big Event

For those of you who were wondering, the answer is yes, yes the blog will continue now that Kayla Cameron (Ah! A name!) has been born. As you might guess, these past few days have been...busy. While there have been a million things to write about, I haven't really found the time to sit down and work on the blog. It's been hard enough trying to keep Kayla's journal (I've been keeping a written journal for her throughout the pregnancy as well), let alone to update this. As you can imagine, most of my free moments have been spent either visiting with family or trying to catch up on the hours of lost sleep which have been accumulating at a pretty rapid pace. I have to admit that I am definitely running a losing race when it comes to catching up on z's, but then, do any new parents not come in dead last in that event?

I know most of you have been able to keep up with us somewhat via Chris' email updates and our photo updates on Facebook. It has been an amazing six days (In one hour my baby will be 6 days old!! I can't believe it!!) and we are beyond ecstatic to be home safe and sound with our new baby girl. For those of you who don't know the birth story, last Wednesday night, April 14th, we made not one, but two trips to the hospital. That entire day I had been feeling...funny. I had a lot of cramping and some...emanations (to avoid too much discussion of bodily functions - sorry audience), but for the most part I had just thought that I was having the "Bloody Show" that usually precedes labor by a day or two. By the time Chris got home from work though, I'd started to see more water-like emanations and some red blood and so, after debating for a little bit, we finally called the doctor who said that my water may have broken and we should head to the hospital to be sure. Off we went to the hospital, bags all packed, hoping (though skeptical) that would be admitted with baby only hours away. After spending an hour or two at the hospital, we were told that nope, my water had not broken and indeed, I was only a "dimple" dilated, so we should head home and wait until I started feeling "100% different than (I did) right now". And so, back in the car we went. By the time we were five minutes out from the hospital, I was starting to have fairly painful contractions. I didn't know if the pain that was shooting all through my back and abdomen was from a true increase in contraction strength or if it was just a result of being subjected to two back-to-back car rides across the New Jersey potholes and, of course, I was hesitant to acknowledge the change at this point, having just been told that there was nothing happening in the baby-producing arena. By the time we got home though, there was no denying it. I was having STRONG contractions and, unlike those I'd experienced in the previous days, these had a clear beginning and ending and when Chris insisted we start timing them, lo and behold, they were only five, then four, then three minutes apart. Despite my hesitation, Chris insisted we turn around and head right back to the hospital and it's a good thing we did. "I had a feeling I might see you back tonight," the admitting nurse told us, and it turned out that I was now 1 centimeter dilated and on the road to birth. We were admitted to the hospital and transferred to a Labor and Delivery Room after what felt like FOREVER, though in reality it was probably only an hour at most. An hour...nothing really considering the fact that it was 13 full hours later that Kayla finally emerged into the world. At the point that we were admitted to the hospital it was 2am. I have to admit that though it is possible to prepare for labor, it is impossible to truly picture what you will experience. The combination of adrenaline highs and lows, exhaustion, pain, focus, excitement, hope...it is such a mixed experience. I felt confident and strong throughout the whole experience, although I was definitely increasingly surprised by how INTENSE the contractions could be. Some of the night is a blur as I drifted in and out of sleep. Sleep...intense focus...sleep...intense focus...From time to time the doctor or nurse would come by to check on me and the baby. Every time they did, it was a relief to hear that progress was being made. Four centimeters...and then, seemingly suddenly, nine centimeters. Nine centimeters! And before I knew it, it was time to push. It was so nice to finally feel like I could contribute to the process rather than just surviving it. I was so happy to finally know that this little baby couldn't be more than a few hours away.

I will spare you the details - those interested, I'm sure we will talk offline - but let's just say that it wasn't until 3.5 hours later that I finally held Kayla in my arms. 3.5 hours is a long time when you are a) working harder than you have EVER worked before, both physically and mentally and b) know that you have something of a deadline approaching; much over three hours an a c-section starts being a very real possibility. I truly think, drugs or not, being in good physical shape and having practiced some relaxation and breathing techniques are KEY in making it through the birth process. Labor, as its name suggests, is hard work. Knowing that you have struggled through and survived tough physical challenges before, knowing that you can withstand and endure...it really helps you believe in yourself as you are going through an experience that can only be described as a test of self. But I don't mean to describe it as something terrible or scary. The reality is that it is the most amazing thing I have ever done. The process itself actually wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be and when I held Kayla in my arms...I created her. I brought her into being. I cannot describe the wonder and awe that accompany that knowledge. Those moments afterward, when Chris and I both looked at each other, choked up and fighting back tears...nothing could ever be as amazing. I will forever replay those moments in my head and know that if I am capable of this, I am capable of anything.



There is so much more to say about that weekend and the past six days...our fears over Kayla's minor jaundice, our first nights as new parents, the various lessons learned during out first outings (projectile fluids...you cannot imagine...), our trips to the boo-boo doctors and our hours of fascinated wonder - staring down at this little girl who is now and forever a part of our world. All of those things seem to require their own entries though. The birth itself is just too significant to be mushed into an entry with other events.

At any rate, dear readers, know that this blog will continue to exist. Entries may not come quite as quickly now that I am a mommy rather than an expectant mother, but I will do my best to keep it updated with all the things I am sure to learn, experience, and be stunned by in the coming months/years. Thanks for being patient and for continuing to be interested in Kayla now that she is here in the flesh.

Nesting

Baby has a bed! And the most impressive part...her mom put it together ALL ON HER OWN! Actually, more impressive than that, the thing looks like it is actually going to hold together and I don't think there is so much as one piece out of place. That's right. I am a furniture building GOD. The crib arrived early last week. The delivery man called and informed me that he would be leaving it by the front door. I tried to play the pregnancy card, letting him know that I am 7 months pregnant and that carrying a 60lb box up four flights of stairs is not exactly in my bag of tricks right now, but he merely said "Well, I'm sure your husband can do it when he gets home." Next time I'm going to be quicker. Next time I'm going to respond by bursting into tears and exclaiming "My...My...I don't have a husband...anymore...that woman..." or maybe "...the crash..." and we'll see if that gets me some furniture delivered to my door. But, this time, I was left to unpack the box in the downstairs lobby, then carry the crib piece by piece up to the apartment. But, it was all worth it as that afternoon those numerous pieces all came together into one adorable (and hopefully safe!) crib.

It still feels a little surreal, but having the crib put together does make me feel at least slightly more prepared. There are only so many things you HAVE to have before the baby is born. A crib/bed is kind of one of them. Now we just need someplace to change the baby; diapers and related necessities; and the basics in terms of medical/hygiene paraphernalia. And the car seat! Gotta get the car seat. I don't want to have to pull a Brittany Spears on the way home from the hospital because we forgot to get that one most important of things. With two showers coming up at the end of the month, we are sure to pick up some more useful things and I keep reminding myself that whatever we don't take away from the showers, we will still have 6 weeks or so to get, so no need to panic yet. It would definitely be nice to feel ready though. I wonder if you ever really do.

Another exciting item arrived to help us get prepared this week. Grandma and Grandpa Spatz were wonderful enough to buy us a beautiful rocking chair and ottoman. It is the most cushy and comfortable chair in the world. We can't wait to spend hours and hours rocking little Orange Seed in that chair. In fact, after spending some quality time rocking in it today, I'm thinking I may be spending some hours sleeping in that chair as well. So comfy...Well worth poor Chris having to drag the 80lb box, which another kind delivery man just dropped in the front lobby, up four flights of stairs to the apartment. Also well worth having our neighbors hate us after said box got left in the lobby all day long, completely blocking anyone from getting in or out of the building without having to utilize some serious pole vaulting skills. Sorry, neighbors!

It is hard to believe that we only have 10 weeks to go now. Less than 10 actually. It is all starting to feel very real as we start going on hospital tours and taking Childbirth classes. Accepting the reality of being pregnant was one thing. Now realizing that in only 10 short weeks we will have an actual baby is something totally different. A couple of weeks ago we went on our hospital tour and though I had been feeling completely calm and prepared, something about being in the hospital, seeing the actual delivery room, and then looking into the nursery at all of those little round faces drove a new sense of reality home. I have gotten so used to the idea that there is a baby inside me, that I think the reality that I would soon have one outside in my arms hadn't really sunk in. Knowing that Orange Seed will be here soon is the most exciting thing in the world and yet, the birth is such an unknown. You can read all of the pregnancy books and check off symptoms you do or don't have as they happen. No matter how many times you read about the delivery process or hear other people's stories, you just can't really visualize or understand it before it happens. Having such a huge unknown at the end of the process is a strange thing to deal with. That said, I'm actually not afraid. There's some anxiety...certainly a sense of unease in all of the anticipation, but I'm not afraid per se. I do believe that this is a natural process. Women were built for this. And I certainly believe everything will be fine, but preparing for delivery and for being parents to an actual, live, 100% dependent baby is something that just feels so intangible. And so, we do what we can to prepare in our own way. We build cribs. We make scrapbooks. We buy diapers and diaper cream and onesies and medical supplies. We take Infant Care Classes. We keep blogs and journals and we talk - we talk to friends, to family, to ourselves, and to Orange Seed. We reassure ourselves that everything we really need to know to be good parents is already inside of us. The rest...well...that's just the learning curve that comes with any new job. And in this case, the most important thing we need to know, that unshakable, unending, unbelievable love between a parent and child, well, that is already present and powerful and with that, all will be fine.

Milestone

Today the Baby-Meter has announced a major milestone...100 Days to go! Though on any other occasion, 100 days would sound horribly long, somehow in this case 100 days seems like a mere drop in the bucket(-o-pregnancy). Though we're getting more and more eager for Orange Seed to arrive, it still seems hard to believe that I am almost 2/3rds of the way through my pregnancy and that Orange Seed will arrive in only a little over 3 months. While there will be obvious benefits to NOT being pregnant anymore (cuddly baby, lack-o-belly, ability to sleep on stomach or back...), I also have to say that I have really enjoyed being pregnant so far. You hear so many horror stories from other pregnant women, so I was prepared for 10 months of misery and drama, but honestly...it has been fun! Okay, so there are parts that are not convenient and I recognize that overall I have had it easier than most, but still. It is sad to think that someone might be forced to go through these months without any enjoyment. Especially now that I am nearing the end of my second trimester and can feel Orange Seed moving around on a regular basis, being pregnant is no longer scary and is, instead, just exciting. As I've said before, there is something really magical about carrying around this little life inside of you. You are someone's home for 10 months. And, though Chris keeps telling me that my body no longer belongs to me, but only belongs to Orange Seed, I have to say that I don't really felt like I've given up my body at all. There are some obvious differences in it, but far from being alienated from my body, I feel more in touch with it now than ever. Women, especially, spend an inordinate amount of time fretting over our bodies. What is this little dimple here? What is that spot over there? Should this be bigger? Could that be smaller? Pregnancy is such a RELIEF as a woman! For once, I am not worrying about how I should or shouldn't look and can, instead, just focus on how I do look and what my body is doing (incredibly) to prepare itself for baby.

I have definitely had days where I have caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and done a double-take at the new basketball-like protrusion stemming from my mid-section but, I have also had a lot of days, especially lately, where I have marveled at my body, proud of the way it is able to meld itself into the perfect home when, not so long ago, it couldn't even have imagined being this shape. I admit that I might feel differently had I let myself give into pregnancy and all the "treat yourself" messages that sometimes go along with it. I might not be feeling quite so body-positive if I had gained a ton of weight or was seeing changes in places other than my belly. But, in my case, I feel like my body has stayed strong and able and has merely added a new special quality to itself, one that I could never have anticipated would be so satisfying and enjoyable.

I know someone out there just groaned and someone else just rolled their eyes. I know a few people are going to find this post unbelievable or cheesy, but for those of you who haven't been through this yet and are thinking that one day you want to have this experience, please...when it all begins to happen, take a deep breath, relax, and instead of preparing for a roller-coaster of terror, prepare to enjoy the most fascinating ride of your life. Pregnancy is, to some extent, what you make of it. All I can say is that if you go in planning to be relaxed, healthy, and active, your body will comply and will thank you later. It always makes me giggle when she says it, but I think my Yoga instructor is onto something when she says, "You are all beautiful, empowered, birthing goddesses". :)